Easter

Easter is coming up which means I get Friday and Monday off. And what am I going to do with the extra time? Study!! Don’t get me wrong, I love it, I really do. But I do not like when there’s too much. I don’t get stressed at all, my mind just creates this chaos which at some point just becomes too much and results in a total breakdown. That I don’t want, but I really really want to do well on the exams. If I feel no better in a week, I will talk to my employer about working a little less for a month or so.

Chaos

My life is total chaos at the moment, I have exams every week, I need to decide what I want to do during the upcoming fall and I need to be at work. It’s just not possible to do it all. The schools I’ve applied for have tests, so I need to travel there to do them. I should also study for them at the same time that I’m studying for my exams here. And in one month, everything will be over at once. I’m thinking it will create an empty hole and at the same give me time to feel what I can’t now. Hope I don’t crash, I really don’t have the energy to go through it again.

Raised in Istanbul?

The other day when I was riding the subway home from a music studio I had my feet up on the opposite seat (there were barely any people on the train) and after a few stations a man comes up to me pointing at my feet. I had music in my ears but I still heard he call me “idiot” and “dumb-ass”, he was very angry. I put my feet down on the floor without looking at him and kept reading my book. When the train approached my station I, for some reason, decided to take my earplugs out. The man looked at me, he was maybe forty five years old and his face was red as a tomato. He almost screamed “Where you raised in Istanbul? IDIOT!”. And I usually respond very fast to these kind of things, coming up with some funny ignorant line, but this time I didn’t. I was struck by what he had chose to say, why the hell would I have been raised in Istanbul? I found it extremely racist and the connection between feet on the seat and Istanbul…? Having more inhabitants than New York, I thought to myself “If they have a subway in Istanbul, there would be so many people riding it one wouldn’t be able to take up two seats.” And then the doors opened and I had been daydreaming instead of coming up with a quick response so I just said “very funny” with a sarcastic smile. And as I walked home, I couldn’t help but wonder what his childhood was like. Or if he had some kind of disorder.

Wrong piano

Last week I ordered a keyboard with 88 piano-like keys and it arrived Friday. But I left work a little late and didn’t get home in time before the post office closed, which they did at six. So I though I’d just go there on Saturday, but they were closed during the weekends. What post office opens at 8 and closes at 18 on weekdays? If I hadn’t been working 75% I would have to take half a day off to collect my package. Anyhow, when I this morning finally opened my keyboard, I found it wasn’t the one I ordered. And I called the company and they first wanted me to pay for the shipping back. What the fuck?!? They screwed up! Not me.

Borderline

Three days ago I got diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, which isn’t really treatable although it gets better over time. And six moths ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder which is treatable but also a lifelong illness. So now I have a lifelong illness that is partly treatable and a non-chronic disorder which is not treatable. Awesome combination.

Although I must say that it’s nice to finally have an explanation. Acting like having no feelings at all and at the same feeling like there are just too many. Everything doesn’t feel like my fault anymore.

Freud

It was Freud who figured it out. Okay, not really Freud as he suffers from a slight case of death. Yesterday when I visited my psychiatrist we figured out why it’s so damn hard for me to be alone. And guess what Freud would say? That during that that time when a child wants his mum to be around all the time and thinks she has abandoned him whenever she leaves the room, something went wrong.

Now, when someone I care about is not physically around, I feel abandoned and extremely alone. I will have to come with a plan to handle these situations if I want to grow out of it as soon as possible. And the plan can’t involve calling or going to a friend since I am, as my psychiatrist put it, addicted to company.

IQ?

I just took a Mensa-test on the Internet that tests your IQ and answered all questions correct, but I’m a little sceptic. The test really tells almost nothing. Yeah, sure, you’re good at seeing patterns but then what? It sure as hell does not mean you’re gonna be an A-student and a great scientist. I find it a little weird.

Anyway, great day yesterday. The first day I felt a little like I did last year when I studied two programs at once. I checked in 8am and didn’t leave my office until 10pm. Totally awesome =)

Trend-disease?

I read an article today, a journalist who went to a psychiatrist and made up a story that fit perfectly to bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist diagnosed her, based on her story, with “bipolar light” – a type of the disease that does not even exist. She got lamictal (which isn’t even the treatment recommended to try first). She wrote in the article how easy it is to get diagnosed with this new trend-disease. I’m betting she sure does fit into a psychiatric disorder, one where you can’t understand the feelings and suffering of others. People suffering from bipolar disorder is among the most sensitive persons there is, why choose us? Why pick our disease to make some ridiculous trend-thing? Doesn’t she realize she’s not only messing with feelings, but with lives? If bipolar disorder was just a fake-disease, how come more die from it than from many types of cancer?

I want to throw a car at a house.

Leaving

“I’m already on my way” she said when I asked her why she had been so distant lately. She has recently applied to some universities for the upcoming fall. I thought I wouldn’t care but now I’m even more uncertain about the whole thing, it just makes me feel even worse.

I can’t find the words … give me the pills and a lake so I can put an end to this.

What do I want to do with my life?

I have no idea what I want to do, and what I will be able to handle. Working where I do now will provide a solid salary and awesome references if I choose to leave this particular company. But I don’t think I want that, and going into the music business isn’t a great choice for someone who’s bipolar, nor is becoming a professional author. The fire art is even a better choice than those two, and that says a lot. I don’t think I want any of those things anyway, I want to feel I make difference and just not leech on everybody else. That’s why becoming a doctor feels like a good path; enough money, easy to find work anywhere BUT… a lot of overtime.

Elated

I haven’t realized I might be good for real on writing and creating music. Yesterday a friend that I really look up to musically (haven’t met anyone in her league ever) commented on one of my songs and said it sounded really good. Wie

Overreacting

This is totally fucked up. One little incident that I don’t even care about, I actually feel sorry for her and it sure as hell isn’t a pity about me. Despite that, I feel like crap. I’m confused, empty and suicidal. And I feel alone, what’s up with that?